Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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