I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Randomize
