My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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