I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize