The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
