They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
