Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
