i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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