I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
