i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
