The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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