You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
