Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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