A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
