Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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