her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
he quoted the bible to break up with me
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
