On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
