My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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