I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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