I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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