I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
