Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
