Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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