im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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