Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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