My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
