Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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