I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
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