you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
