Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
