She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
