and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
