At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
