Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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