Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
