Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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