just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
