I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
