whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
