I could make wine with my vomit
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
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