I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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