In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
