i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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