I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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