I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
