he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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