i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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