How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
