wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
