My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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