I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I need a hoe opinion
go on
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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