I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
