saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
