Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize