I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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