shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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