Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
