tonight lets celebrate not being married
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
