I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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