break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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