She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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