I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
how does that bad decision feel?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
