did you get engaged???
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
