Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
