apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
