I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
