Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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