matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
