so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
