just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
