Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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