im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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