Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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