Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
