i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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