you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
